Keep smiling. Because life is a beautiful thing and there is so much to smile about.-Marilyn Monroe
Marilyn was not wrong. It is a sad truth that Marilyn's smiles, alone, were not enough. and they never will be. But smiles are a reminder that life is beautiful...and also complicated. As Marilyn pointed out, smiles are a sign that we are trying.
Lately, I have been focusing on making some changes. The truth is, I am about to hit a big birthday. The kind that anyone under 80 laughs about, but anyone over 25 admits to fearing a bit. Except. I am not fearing it. I am actually really, truly, Not Lying, looking forward to it! Honest!
I am turning 40!
Want to know why I am so excited? Because it feels so free staring down 40. No, really!
When my first baby was born, I felt so much love- that heart exploding and the world feeling perfect kind of love. And I felt fear. There was a lot of fear, though that has worked itself out over countless midnight illnesses and falls and playdates. It didn't go away, but I have learned to use it and respect it.
I also felt something I never expected, something no one told me about. I felt an enormous relief. I was so relieved not to think about myself for once. Like so many people, I spent countless hours worrying about ridiculousness- about hair and others' opinions and my weight (even when there wasn't any to worry about). I worried about a lot of worthless things. When my baby was born, I worried about things that mattered and they almost never were about me.
And then, somewhere along the way, I realized I never worried about me. A little too much. So much that I found myself going to many doctors with many issues. I found my pants didn't fit. I found I didn't like looking in the mirror. Or inside, for that matter. I had stopped worrying about how I was spiritually living my life. well, maybe I didn't forget exactly, but I definitely stopped striving for better. It was clear, there was major room for improvement. Somewhere between Always and Never, I thought, was Balance.
So, forty days before turning forty I began to challenge myself. I wrote down the goals I had for myself and for my family. I thought about new skills I wanted to achieve and old habits that I missed. I focused on what aspects of life I could use more of: peace, fun, positivity, and gratitude.
There is so much to share in this journey. So many little changes that are adding up to something big. Something I might actually write about. (Imagine that!)
But I started with the goal that seemed simple (and really isn't), but that could make everything else better: Being positive.
I have two small children and three cats. The former are in an endless battle of Love You This Second, Hate You The Next. And the cats will not stop barfing in the middle of the night, usually on a piece of furniture or my clothes. I have an almost 100 year old house that is falling apart and a back door that, well, someone tried to walk through recently (while I wasn't home and without my permission). There are school shootings way too often, still. People think the internet is an excuse to be inhuman in their comments (not to me, but in general, and usually to pieces written by my friends). My dad is aging with Parkinson's. And, despite many hours of focused visualization to the contrary, I keep getting bills.
Yes, life gives plenty to be grumpy about. And that is exactly why we can't be. It is exactly why we have to take a cue from Marilyn and smile. Really smile. Even when it isn't easy.
So, today, I went for my flu shot and I got a chance to put theory into action. I smiled at the pharmacist. Nothing. Well, it was early. There were two people ahead of me in line before they even opened the pharmacy. He told me to get my "shoulder ready" for the shot. Maybe it was the coffee, but I turned and looked at my shoulder and said, "Get ready, Buddy!" When I turned back and smiled at him...nothing. Big nothing.
I think his eyes might have even narrowed.
While I waited for him to come out with the shot, I felt dumb. I felt like I should stop. I felt maybe I was bothering him and that made me feel bad. But that little voice of positivity popped up in my head, "Keep trying." I wasn't trying to make him smile back. (Okay, maybe I was a little.) Mostly, I just wanted to not give in to the negativity. Keep being positive. Keep trying.
When the pharmacist came from behind his counter and began his little talk about side-effects and the like, he asked if I had any concerns. Nope, I said, especially now that I was finally getting my flu shot. "Last one in the family?" he asked and I turned to see...a smile. "Of course," I smiled back. And he wished me a good day, smiling. I did the same, smiling.
And that felt good. It still feels good. Maybe it even helped the pharmacist a little, too. It was worth it to keep trying, keep smiling. The world can be beautiful. Even if it means seeing someone break into a smile, despite themselves. Suddenly, the world was just a tiny bit more hopeful, more positive.
Smiles help make it so.