Until you are hit by one of those unexpected changes that changes EVERYTHING.
Right after I wrote that last post I began to feel tired. Drained of life tired. I thought it was the culmination of a recent move, trip, and having a two year old with an accomplished sense of verve for life. Then I began to feel sick. Really sick. THen, one morning, I walked into my daughter's bedroom and passed out in her dorway. I took a pregnancy test.
I sat down, prepared to wait the agonizing three minutes that the evil people who make these tests expect you to wait. In thirty tiny little seconds, "pregnant" popped up on that little digital screen!
In order for you to understand my joy you have to know that it took a year and half for me to get the same results with my first pregnancy. In fact, my husband and I, who had decided that infertility procedures were not for us, began to discuss life without children. Getting pregnant the first time felt like a miracle. Hoping for a second one seemed like greediness. But aren't humans always wanting more? And, well, I couldn't shake that determined voice in the back of my noggin that said someone was missing.
Turns out, the same voice was chatting up my husband. (Busy body.) So at the beginning of the summer we decided to give it a go, if for no other reason that having our thoughts back. Immediately had what an early miscarriage. I sighed and pondered cursing that voice. Still, the voice remained and I felt inclined to listen.
So we took a deep breath. Focused on moving into our new house. Took a vacation. Sold our condo. Settled into the new house. Finally it was time to try again. At the risk of telling you so much more than you want to know, once was all it took. And it TOOK. Turns out as long as they aren't telling you the pigeons across the street are spying on you for the FBI, random voices in your head aren't so bad. (haha)
I am sick all the damn time. But I don't care. I have an ultrasound in a few days and that is a big step for those who have had past disappointment. Once you've struggled, you never really lose the feeling that maybe you got your hopes up too soon. I need to know that things are developing as they should and then I will use that b-word without any fear.
Still, I am so hopeful. Joyful. A little bloated and still wearing black because this is not the time to buy new clothes without elastic. But HAPPY.
My first little experiment may have gone awry, but G-d provided another and, let's give it to him, better plan. In the meantime, I am celebrating grace, life, and the fact that my toddler has miraculously begun to happily play by herself for hours just when I need her to most.
For all these reasons, G-d is good.
