(40) Days of Awe-some

“I felt deep within me that the highest point a man can attain is not Knowledge, or Virtue, or Goodness, or Victory, but something even greater, more heroic and more despairing: Sacred Awe!”
― Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek


When I first started this blog I had...frankly, NO IDEA what I as doing with it. About a year ago I came up with The Best Plan Ever! OMG! A blog dedicated to reporting back on and keeping this mama focused on finding herself again!

I am not one of those incredibly cool people who have always known who they and then stayed focused on that.

Nope.

I am one of the ones who knew who she was and then somehow ended up totally no where near that person. Like, the self I was living with was in Seattle and my Real Self was somewhere in the Mediterranean.

So, what got in the way? Stuuuff (Name that movie!)

This stuff was really basic. Nonsense. Laundry. (Oh, my gosh, so very much laundry.) Mostly, it was getting stuck in my own tape of excuses and losing priorities. Excuses, oh, lots of excuses. I mean, we need a real answer, right? I got trapped in the inertia of life and didn't make time. The questions of how to get back on track could be overwhelming. How does one get back to their real self? How would I get back into the habit of being me? And what does that even look like?

I started with the basic theory that new habits need a month to be established. I had to spend at least that long on the attempt. Then I made a list of all the things I used to love to do and never did anymore. I looked at the goals I had yet to achieve. (So many goals. Let's not talk about that yet.) Because I have a flare for the dramatic, and I was about to turn 40, it seemed only right to spend forty days doing All The Things. Things I wanted to do. Things I had planned to learn to do. All the elements that give me joy and make me feel more like myself. Each of the 40 days would be one awesome day representing a year of my life!

40 Days of Awesome!

YAY, ME! I AM DOING AWESOME STUFF!

But day after day, I felt, eh...not ready. Not Awesome. It kept Not Happening. I played the blame game. It's the kids' fault, they didn't let me sleep last night. It's the cat's fault, he keeps leaving fur everywhere. It's my fault, I need to work out more. What I didn't know is that I was becoming increasingly lethargic and dangerously so. I was failing at my big goal and I started blaming myself, when when I should have noticed is that something was actually wrong.

Two months after my birthday had passed and my 40 Days of Awesome were no closer to being realized, i had an incredibly sore mystery spot in my back. The next day I had my very first and absolutely all encompassing anxiety attack. the third day, my chest hurt so badly, I couldn't breathe. The ER visit when kind of like this...

Doctor: We're going to do a test on your lungs and see what's happening.
Me: Great?
Doctor: Huh, it looks like we found something in your lungs. We're going to do another scan.
Me: Found...something? Uh, okay. (Inside me: What do you mean SOMETHING?! Because in my world something is Tumor That Is About To Kill You!)


So the doctor left and a nurse came in and pushing this whole "something" word led to this...

Nurse: By "something' we mean it could be fluid. We're looking at the possibility of pneumonia.
Me: Oh, okay, I can handle that. (Inside me: Whew! Way better than cancer, but pneumonia? Ugh.)
Nurse: Or it could be a blood clot.
Me: Um... (Inside me: WHAT?! Can we please go back to pneumonia!? Pneumonia sounds just fine, thanks! I will take that.)

Turns out, it was a blood clot. To be exact, Pulmonary Embolism. The words the doctors used to describe the clot were fun: substantial, sizeable, considerable, huge. Doctors are good with adjectives that seem blasé to them and make you want to vomit.

I was lucky, they told me, to survive. (Why do doctors say something that big like it's merely interesting?) That pain in my back? That's where it started. That panic attack? That was the clot going through my heart. The pain in my chest was where the lung lining was inflamed from irritation. Amazingly, the scariest symptom was the signal I had already survived. (That fact, post a PE, is NOT comforting, in case you are wondering.) Technically, the danger was over, but there was a lot of recovery ahead.

Physically, I recovered really well and quickly. I am still on blood thinners and have to figure out why I had the clot in the first place. The biggest culprit is the series of hormones I was on (Nuvaring and birth control pills), but we really aren't sure and haven't ruled out a clotting disorder just yet. But I haven't lost lung function, that I can tell. A Fitbit has helped me get moving. Still, there was a lot of feeling fragile, vulnerable, and just plain terrified for a while. For the first month after my PE, I would leap up in a panic if I had been sitting for more than a half hour. I woke up three different times thinking that I had actually stopped breathing as I was falling sleep.

After panic subsides, there is a growing need to regain normalcy and strength. Now, there is mostly goodness, relief, and gratitude. There was also a clear need to not take for granted this life for which I had gotten a second chance. It still wasn't awesome.

You'd think that would be enough to get me going, right? I've been really good at this avoidance thing, though. That habit, it is firmly established. A blood clot wasn't enough to keep me derailed. I blamed kids being home from school. (Well, I mean, honestly, you will give me that one, right? Please?) Just for fun, friends battled cancer, my cat died on my anniversary, and my husband was laid off from his job. You want excuses, I had them. The difference this time is that I knew how easy it was to ignore danger signs when my life had gotten so unhealthy and inactive anyway. You can't take care of yourself and know when something is wrong if you're already not at your best.

This year has not felt awesome, but it had the potential to be. Which is why I need it more than ever.

Right now, we are in what is known as the Days of Awe. It is basically the Jewish New year, which is nice because if you totally screw up your resolutions, you get a second pass in a few months via the secular calendar. (Honestly, why more people haven't caught on to this loophole is beyond me.) The Days of Awe are the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. During that time, we are encouraged to repent, to confess, to ask for forgiveness, to reflect, and to truly focus on what we could be doing better in- and with- our life.

The days of awe are often maligned as depressing or hard. The truth is, change can be depressing and hard, that's why we so often give up, the nice part about the days of awe is that they only last a week and half, just long enough to test if you're serious. The "awe" part is in searching ourselves, we realize there are always ways in which we can move forward. It is often through exploration of my own life and gifts that I realize how truly awesome this whole life thing is. Now I find myself ready to make my whole life as awesome as possible. It is our focus on what greatness is available to us, if we want it, that is truly awesome.

Days of Awe-some. Get it? How perfect! (Cheesy all over, that's me!)

So, today, my first day of the 40 Days of Awe-some. Instead of starting my 40th year this way, I am ending it with this experiment. I'm a little late, but still determined. And ready.

There will be more explanation of this in the days to come. Part of my awesome is just plain writing and putting myself out there. My blog posts? They will not be perfect. I'm learning, but I'm no longer waiting until they are to write. I suspect I will improve with time. (Luckily, I can imagine too many people will be watching in the meantime. Yay for obscurity!)

I will not be perfect. I suspect most days I won't even be that awesome and will miss a good half of the ideals I have placed before my days. But the point is to do what I love and find where my joy lies- outside of kids and husband. I will do my best to share what I discover as I go. As we all know, life is short and it can change on a dime. We have to make the most of it.

Be Awe-some, people!