(40) Days of Awe-some

“I felt deep within me that the highest point a man can attain is not Knowledge, or Virtue, or Goodness, or Victory, but something even greater, more heroic and more despairing: Sacred Awe!”
― Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek


When I first started this blog I had...frankly, NO IDEA what I as doing with it. About a year ago I came up with The Best Plan Ever! OMG! A blog dedicated to reporting back on and keeping this mama focused on finding herself again!

I am not one of those incredibly cool people who have always known who they and then stayed focused on that.

Nope.

I am one of the ones who knew who she was and then somehow ended up totally no where near that person. Like, the self I was living with was in Seattle and my Real Self was somewhere in the Mediterranean.

So, what got in the way? Stuuuff (Name that movie!)

This stuff was really basic. Nonsense. Laundry. (Oh, my gosh, so very much laundry.) Mostly, it was getting stuck in my own tape of excuses and losing priorities. Excuses, oh, lots of excuses. I mean, we need a real answer, right? I got trapped in the inertia of life and didn't make time. The questions of how to get back on track could be overwhelming. How does one get back to their real self? How would I get back into the habit of being me? And what does that even look like?

I started with the basic theory that new habits need a month to be established. I had to spend at least that long on the attempt. Then I made a list of all the things I used to love to do and never did anymore. I looked at the goals I had yet to achieve. (So many goals. Let's not talk about that yet.) Because I have a flare for the dramatic, and I was about to turn 40, it seemed only right to spend forty days doing All The Things. Things I wanted to do. Things I had planned to learn to do. All the elements that give me joy and make me feel more like myself. Each of the 40 days would be one awesome day representing a year of my life!

40 Days of Awesome!

YAY, ME! I AM DOING AWESOME STUFF!

But day after day, I felt, eh...not ready. Not Awesome. It kept Not Happening. I played the blame game. It's the kids' fault, they didn't let me sleep last night. It's the cat's fault, he keeps leaving fur everywhere. It's my fault, I need to work out more. What I didn't know is that I was becoming increasingly lethargic and dangerously so. I was failing at my big goal and I started blaming myself, when when I should have noticed is that something was actually wrong.

Two months after my birthday had passed and my 40 Days of Awesome were no closer to being realized, i had an incredibly sore mystery spot in my back. The next day I had my very first and absolutely all encompassing anxiety attack. the third day, my chest hurt so badly, I couldn't breathe. The ER visit when kind of like this...

Doctor: We're going to do a test on your lungs and see what's happening.
Me: Great?
Doctor: Huh, it looks like we found something in your lungs. We're going to do another scan.
Me: Found...something? Uh, okay. (Inside me: What do you mean SOMETHING?! Because in my world something is Tumor That Is About To Kill You!)


So the doctor left and a nurse came in and pushing this whole "something" word led to this...

Nurse: By "something' we mean it could be fluid. We're looking at the possibility of pneumonia.
Me: Oh, okay, I can handle that. (Inside me: Whew! Way better than cancer, but pneumonia? Ugh.)
Nurse: Or it could be a blood clot.
Me: Um... (Inside me: WHAT?! Can we please go back to pneumonia!? Pneumonia sounds just fine, thanks! I will take that.)

Turns out, it was a blood clot. To be exact, Pulmonary Embolism. The words the doctors used to describe the clot were fun: substantial, sizeable, considerable, huge. Doctors are good with adjectives that seem blasé to them and make you want to vomit.

I was lucky, they told me, to survive. (Why do doctors say something that big like it's merely interesting?) That pain in my back? That's where it started. That panic attack? That was the clot going through my heart. The pain in my chest was where the lung lining was inflamed from irritation. Amazingly, the scariest symptom was the signal I had already survived. (That fact, post a PE, is NOT comforting, in case you are wondering.) Technically, the danger was over, but there was a lot of recovery ahead.

Physically, I recovered really well and quickly. I am still on blood thinners and have to figure out why I had the clot in the first place. The biggest culprit is the series of hormones I was on (Nuvaring and birth control pills), but we really aren't sure and haven't ruled out a clotting disorder just yet. But I haven't lost lung function, that I can tell. A Fitbit has helped me get moving. Still, there was a lot of feeling fragile, vulnerable, and just plain terrified for a while. For the first month after my PE, I would leap up in a panic if I had been sitting for more than a half hour. I woke up three different times thinking that I had actually stopped breathing as I was falling sleep.

After panic subsides, there is a growing need to regain normalcy and strength. Now, there is mostly goodness, relief, and gratitude. There was also a clear need to not take for granted this life for which I had gotten a second chance. It still wasn't awesome.

You'd think that would be enough to get me going, right? I've been really good at this avoidance thing, though. That habit, it is firmly established. A blood clot wasn't enough to keep me derailed. I blamed kids being home from school. (Well, I mean, honestly, you will give me that one, right? Please?) Just for fun, friends battled cancer, my cat died on my anniversary, and my husband was laid off from his job. You want excuses, I had them. The difference this time is that I knew how easy it was to ignore danger signs when my life had gotten so unhealthy and inactive anyway. You can't take care of yourself and know when something is wrong if you're already not at your best.

This year has not felt awesome, but it had the potential to be. Which is why I need it more than ever.

Right now, we are in what is known as the Days of Awe. It is basically the Jewish New year, which is nice because if you totally screw up your resolutions, you get a second pass in a few months via the secular calendar. (Honestly, why more people haven't caught on to this loophole is beyond me.) The Days of Awe are the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. During that time, we are encouraged to repent, to confess, to ask for forgiveness, to reflect, and to truly focus on what we could be doing better in- and with- our life.

The days of awe are often maligned as depressing or hard. The truth is, change can be depressing and hard, that's why we so often give up, the nice part about the days of awe is that they only last a week and half, just long enough to test if you're serious. The "awe" part is in searching ourselves, we realize there are always ways in which we can move forward. It is often through exploration of my own life and gifts that I realize how truly awesome this whole life thing is. Now I find myself ready to make my whole life as awesome as possible. It is our focus on what greatness is available to us, if we want it, that is truly awesome.

Days of Awe-some. Get it? How perfect! (Cheesy all over, that's me!)

So, today, my first day of the 40 Days of Awe-some. Instead of starting my 40th year this way, I am ending it with this experiment. I'm a little late, but still determined. And ready.

There will be more explanation of this in the days to come. Part of my awesome is just plain writing and putting myself out there. My blog posts? They will not be perfect. I'm learning, but I'm no longer waiting until they are to write. I suspect I will improve with time. (Luckily, I can imagine too many people will be watching in the meantime. Yay for obscurity!)

I will not be perfect. I suspect most days I won't even be that awesome and will miss a good half of the ideals I have placed before my days. But the point is to do what I love and find where my joy lies- outside of kids and husband. I will do my best to share what I discover as I go. As we all know, life is short and it can change on a dime. We have to make the most of it.

Be Awe-some, people!

Smile

Keep smiling. Because life is a beautiful thing and there is so much to smile about.

-Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn was not wrong. It is a sad truth that Marilyn's smiles, alone, were not enough. and they never will be. But smiles are a reminder that life is beautiful...and also complicated. As Marilyn pointed out, smiles are a sign that we are trying.

Lately, I have been focusing on making some changes. The truth is, I am about to hit a big birthday. The kind that anyone under 80 laughs about, but anyone over 25 admits to fearing a bit. Except. I am not fearing it. I am actually really, truly, Not Lying, looking forward to it! Honest!

I am turning 40!

Want to know why I am so excited? Because it feels so free staring down 40. No, really!

When my first baby was born, I felt so much love- that heart exploding and the world feeling perfect kind of love. And I felt fear. There was a lot of fear, though that has worked itself out over countless midnight illnesses and falls and playdates. It didn't go away, but I have learned to use it and respect it.

I also felt something I never expected, something no one told me about. I felt an enormous relief. I was so relieved not to think about myself for once. Like so many people, I spent countless hours worrying about ridiculousness- about hair and others' opinions and my weight (even when there wasn't any to worry about). I worried about a lot of worthless things. When my baby was born, I worried about things that mattered and they almost never were about me.

And then, somewhere along the way, I realized I never worried about me. A little too much. So much that I found myself going to many doctors with many issues. I found my pants didn't fit. I found I didn't like looking in the mirror. Or inside, for that matter. I had stopped worrying about how I was spiritually living my life. well, maybe I didn't forget exactly, but I definitely stopped striving for better. It was clear, there was major room for improvement. Somewhere between Always and Never, I thought, was Balance.

So, forty days before turning forty I began to challenge myself. I wrote down the goals I had for myself and for my family. I thought about new skills I wanted to achieve and old habits that I missed. I focused on what aspects of life I could use more of: peace, fun, positivity, and gratitude.

There is so much to share in this journey. So many little changes that are adding up to something big. Something I might actually write about. (Imagine that!)

But I started with the goal that seemed simple (and really isn't), but that could make everything else better: Being positive.

I have two small children and three cats. The former are in an endless battle of Love You This Second, Hate You The Next. And the cats will not stop barfing in the middle of the night, usually on a piece of furniture or my clothes. I have an almost 100 year old house that is falling apart and a back door that, well, someone tried to walk through recently (while I wasn't home and without my permission). There are school shootings way too often, still. People think the internet is an excuse to be inhuman in their comments (not to me, but in general, and usually to pieces written by my friends). My dad is aging with Parkinson's. And, despite many hours of focused visualization to the contrary, I keep getting bills.

Yes, life gives plenty to be grumpy about. And that is exactly why we can't be. It is exactly why we have to take a cue from Marilyn and smile. Really smile. Even when it isn't easy.

So, today, I went for my flu shot and I got a chance to put theory into action. I smiled at the pharmacist. Nothing. Well, it was early. There were two people ahead of me in line before they even opened the pharmacy. He told me to get my "shoulder ready" for the shot. Maybe it was the coffee, but I turned and looked at my shoulder and said, "Get ready, Buddy!" When I turned back and smiled at him...nothing. Big nothing.

I think his eyes might have even narrowed.

While I waited for him to come out with the shot, I felt dumb. I felt like I should stop. I felt maybe I was bothering him and that made me feel bad. But that little voice of positivity popped up in my head, "Keep trying." I wasn't trying to make him smile back. (Okay, maybe I was a little.) Mostly, I just wanted to not give in to the negativity. Keep being positive. Keep trying.

When the pharmacist came from behind his counter and began his little talk about side-effects and the like, he asked if I had any concerns. Nope, I said, especially now that I was finally getting my flu shot. "Last one in the family?" he asked and I turned to see...a smile. "Of course," I smiled back. And he wished me a good day, smiling. I did the same, smiling.

And that felt good. It still feels good. Maybe it even helped the pharmacist a little, too. It was worth it to keep trying, keep smiling. The world can be beautiful. Even if it means seeing someone break into a smile, despite themselves. Suddenly, the world was just a tiny bit more hopeful, more positive.

Smiles help make it so.